Earlier this morning I had already written down at least half a decent post's worth of my opinion about the term “Filipinx” – on how, as a former Mainland-er, I doubt I'll ever understand the real essence of it, but at the same time find it surprisingly relatable in terms of holding on to a personal cultural identity and narrative I can hold on to while I no longer have my feet planted firmly on my hometown.

I had all these ideas built up, stopped to take a quick break and to work on actual work-work, and then when I came back to my draft, read it once and deleted it. Poof. Gone.

Folks, that is my problem. I wish I could come clean and tell you exactly how many times I've done this, but it's happened so many times that I've lost the exact count. I start this whole rant and inner monologue about an opinion I have but I start to get cold feet and, ultimately, erase every single word into oblivion. I fear that my opinion in the matter is not valid. That I have no additional point to make, so maybe I should keep my mouth and thoughts shut. Sometimes I fear that my opinion is flimsy, and if called out (or worse, cancelled), I won't be able to recover. I know full well that W.a is probably the safest space my thoughts and opinions could ever be in, and discourse does happen in a better, more constructive way, but I still live with that fear.

I'm no coward, but I know my emotions are fragile. Heck, people forget that people are humans once they start hiding in anonymity and in numbers, hurling one destructive comment after the other. I don't have a lot of faith in how most people use the internet, and most of the time I have chosen to lurk rather than to actively participate because of that exact reason. But this is the internet – anything I put out here is “receipts”, and modern-day society has developed sleuthing skills that could land them a career in the FBI.

I guess another thing for me to overcome in my writing journey? Sounds about right.

#Journal #PrattlePost

In the same vein as people who occasionally say “I have so many clothes in my closet, but I've got nothing to wear”, I have fallen into the pits of boredom yet I have so many sources to draw entertainment from.

To illustrate, I've amassed the following over a lifetime:

• 71 games on Steam most of which I bought off from sales and have never touched, downloaded, opened, etc.
• 2 gaming consoles; a Nintendo Switch solely for the purpose of playing ACNH and a modded GBA with 3 game cartridges
• 5 cookbooks
• 29 Mousebooks, 95% of which have never been cracked open from their plastic casing
• 40 books in my Filipino Book collection, which I admittedly hoarded on the last trip home
• 16 books I've bought from second-hand bookstores
• 2 library loans (one physical book and another an audiobook)
• 100+ articles saved on Pocket
• 162 Watch Later videos on Youtube

This is probably just a partial list of things that I can potentially do, yet most of the time I've just been sitting on my bed, listlessly scrolling through my phone. Now that I've actually written it all out, I feel both horrendous and disgusted with myself – all this self-talk of “owning less” and being “purposeful” is hypocritical if I own so many but not derive any pleasure and enjoyment from them.

What mindset or framework should I be looking at this current train of thought? The simple answer to my dilemma is to go through the list, but it's weird to admit that I have no motivation to do any of them. No desire to pick up a book. No inclination to cook. The fact that I'm writing this is the only indication that the embers inside my mind have been somewhat stoked, but just ever so slightly – it isn't enough for me to finish anything that I try to start.

It's a weird and petty dilemma for sure, one that I'll probably ponder on a few more days before finding something to occupy my mind again. I've never thought of myself as this person until now. Does it mean that I'm changing as a person and that the old things no longer hold my interest? Is there something else I'd rather occupy my time with? I might not know the answer now, but I'd love to understand where this feeling is stemming from, and how I can fix it for the better.

...

It hasn't escaped me that this is going to be my 25th post (not day) in the #100DaysToOffload and oh wow, I'm actually amazed that I've made it to this point! If I had followed instructions, this would have been Day 55, but as it is, life tends to just take its course and make a beautiful mess with personal plans.

I have been seriously considering it but I've made my decision and at this point going forward, I'll be dropping the challenge hashtag. No, I'm not going anywhere, of course, and I'll continue writing, but I just feel like the frequency of which I post is no longer motivated by the challenge itself, but more of an intrinsic need to write what I feel. It has always been the main goal of this space, and initially, I jumped on the challenge to jumpstart me back to the right path of writing. Right now, I just find it silly of me to be saying “post” instead of “day”, and this is the only way I can reconcile it in my head.

But I am absolutely thankful. Because W.a is set-up the way that it is, I have no clue if anyone is regularly reading this, but I've gotten the occasional message on my fnContact and that has truthfully warmed my heart. I've learned so much from reading other people's musings as well – so much so that I've been influenced to make changes with the way I interact with the internet. The pinnacle of my learning would be embodied in the fact that I now have Mastodon and use it! You guys are great – it is exactly the internet that I want to be in.

I'll still keep on reading and writing, and this is definitely not a goodbye. You guys know where to find me (if not, check out my About Me – it's all there), and I'll always keep an eye out on everyone else who joins the challenge.

Signing off now. See you guys on the next (highly irregular) post!

25/100

#100DaysToOffload #Journal #PrattlePost #EndOfSeries

I'm slowly getting back in the groove of things after feeling emotionally and physically drained. I'll be the first to admit that there are just periods of time that my emotional capacity drops to a level where it's enough for the day. Just my luck that at the same time, I had my last two wisdom teeth removed, so it everything was unbearably horrible and disgusting for a while. I'm just glad that's over!

Just wanted to quickly check-in, mostly for myself, to write down all the positive things that has happened while I felt like I was out:

No Shampoo I took a quick little break and washed my hair once with commercial shampoo, but besides that one time, I've grown comfortable with water washing! I still have yet to see the effects of it in terms of helping to lessen my falling hair, but I'm starting to like how I'm able to manage my greasiness (and accompanying dandruff eww) better because of it.

Finished reading my first book of 2020! I discovered the magic of audiobooks. How did I snub them before? They are AMAZING. I've been struggling to read books for a while now, and I still for the life of me can't figure out why, but I felt super accomplished when I finally finished listening to The 7 ½ Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle – it was pretty interesting! I'm still looking for a new audiobook to listen to, so it might take some time before I get to update my Goodreads account.

News I finally succumbed to paying for a sub for the SF Chronicle – partly because I was tired of the paywall, and partly because I didn't want my parents to be getting their news solely on Facebook and Youtube alone. So to practice what I preached to them, I've been reading a lot of diverse news pieces lately (also loving the “Read to Me” aspect of The Guardian) and that has kept me busy in the mornings.

Health Stuff Maybe it's because of my falling hair, but I've also been doing a lot of healthy changes lately. I'm trying to sleep earlier, eating breakfast, eating more greens, drinking my vitamins, etc. Of course, it's not going to immediately show, but at least I feel just a tiny bit healthy!

Cutting my Hair In today's newest achievement, I cut my own hair and it turned out passable!

There's a lot of things I'd still like to write about, but those have been the positive highlights from the past few weeks. Welcome to the weekend!

24/100

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I'm currently doing a challenge called “100 Days to Offload” – you can join in the fun too by visiting https://100daystooffload.com

If you'd like, drop me a message here or on Mastodon (@elisha@sfba.social) – I would be absolutely thrilled to hear from you!

#100DaysToOffload #Journal #PrattlePost

For a few days now, I've been asking myself a lot of questions. There are days where I seem pretty convinced and empowered, but there are also days that I seem to doubt myself and my opinions about something. As I've said before, I've always had a problem with being non-commital and indecisive, and the past few weeks' worth of news has definitely tested the extent of it.

For one thing, I will again harp at the idea that social media could be a double-edged sword. It's been wonderful to see political and social systems being questioned and brought down by the masses (the 1% is shaking in fear), and issues minorities face have been suddenly thrust into spaces where these conversations normally don't occur. It's uncomfortable to see it in broad daylight, even for me, but I like how it has captured the attention and rapport it has always deserved.

But it can be majorly overwhelming too, and while I scroll, read, understand, sign petitions, and donate when and where I know it would create a larger impact on my direct community, I feel like I'm not doing enough. It's petty, but it's created this weird dilemma in me that I feel like a fraud (with good intentions). Will the internet take it against me if I choose to focus on my local community? Will people call me out if I say that I haven't rallied and protested out on the streets? By writing this, am I in effect taking the focus out of the issue? I hope not – I really am just writing my fears here.

Now I know I'm no internet superstar, but I find it absolutely crazy how other people perceive someone else's online presence during these times. I've seen two sides of the coin – a) radio silence on the matter means you're apathetic, but b) voicing strong opinions warrants you debate, and possibly drama. Where can your normal, non-outspoken, netizen stand then? To be honest, this is where I turn everything off on the timeline and turn my attention to the real world.

What I do hope is that this isn't just for the time being. We're all at a good starting point, but changing people's mindset is a gradual process, and I sincerely hope we won't let the fire die out. If there's anything I'm confident I've been working and building on, it's talking about it with my parents (who are your typical, traditional, Asian parents – believe me, they think differently) and finding areas in my life where I can integrate supporting BLM and POC initiatives (shopping local, choosing to look for new and support content creators, looking for non-profits in areas that I actually support [art, tech, learning, job opportunities], etc). I still fear it isn't enough, and I hope someone can forgive me for just doing the “bare minimum” – if that even exists. Or really, I hope I can forgive myself for it.

22/100

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I'm currently doing a challenge called “100 Days to Offload” – you can join in the fun too by visiting https://100daystooffload.com

If you'd like, drop me a message here or on Mastodon (@elisha@sfba.social) – I would be absolutely thrilled to hear from you!

#100DaysToOffload #Journal #PrattlePost

The weekend is finally, FINALLY, upon us and I've retired the work laptop to its rightful weekend throne. These past few days have been immensely stressful and I'm looking forward to scratching off a few personal to-do's I've had stashed away, and resting. It was so busy, I skipped a day of Animal Crossing, so now my nook terminal check-in miles have gone back down to 50 – it's a petty issue, but it really made me sad since I've had that streak going since I started playing over a month ago.

With regards to today's post, yes, I am on Mastodon! For a few days now, I've been playing with the idea of making an account (prompting me to write about it), and after a few days of thinking I thought I'd just go for it – there was no use in internally debating about this for so long. I intend to start baby-step small, so if any of you are interested to see random ugly-delicious food photos on your timeline, I'm @elisha@kith.kitchen.

I actually don't know what to expect from it! It might not be apparent with the way I write, but it takes time for me to feel comfortable in any setting. Maybe I'm just really self-conscious and shy? Heck, I've replied to messages stiffly, and, really, I apologize for being awkward.

Other things —

• If this week has taught me anything, it's that USB's are still pretty useful in this time and age. I have an 8GB in my pencil case that I have not touched for a year, but since I started doing the video project for work, I've used it countless times to shuttle files to and from three different laptops. Lesson learned, do not take the little, old stuff for granted. And also, keep old tech – they come in handy.

• I was inspired by someone on the 100 days feed to buy a Go set and it's finally arrived! I totally forgot who it was that first posted about it here (I'm sorry! Please let me know who you are!), but thank you for the idea. I will give this one a Go (punny haha) since my partner has currently beat me at every chess game we've played – maybe this time I can win.

Long weekend, so I'll be able to write something more substantial! But for now, some much-needed rest.

16/100

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I'm currently doing a challenge called “100 Days to Offload” – you can join in the fun too by visiting https://100daystooffload.com

If you'd like, drop me a message here – I would be absolutely thrilled to hear from you!

#100DaysToOffload #Journal #PrattlePost

I've been totally overwhelmed and frustrated with work this past couple of days for a project that my team unanimously signed me up to do, and so I've been spending most of my time internally screaming at Adobe Premiere Pro on my laptop. Before this, I've never really touched the software itself but I have a Thursday (tomorrow) morning draft deadline to meet and my inexperienced self is still crawling.

So before I disappear into oblivion and emerge from this, scarred but triumphant on Friday afternoon, I thought I'd write to let some steam off and to enforce the habit of writing. After all, I committed to this as well! Just a few random thoughts and updates on my end -

• Yet again, I have failed my self-imposed low-buy rule by buying a few things that weren't even on my wishlist. This month's 'damage' was a bunch of loose-leaf tea samples and a bundle box from a no-plastic packaging beauty brand. Of course, I'll probably excitedly talk about them when they all arrive, but I still have some deep regrets. Online shopping is a monster.

  • On that note, I feel absolutely sad that YTers have to apologize if they deviate a tiny bit – like Christina of styleapotheca in her latest video. I follow her for low-buy advice, but unlike little me who can just laugh off buying loose-leaf tea and can try again next month, she's probably got immense pressure breathing down her back every time she even thinks of buying anything. Glad that she's gotten it out of her chest tho and moving forward to better, personal content!

• Day 6 of consistently taking vitamins and supplements, which I've never done before. I'm scared that taking five all at the same time will be bad for my kidneys, but I'm thinking of hanging on for a little while longer to see some effects. And then maybe go see my PCP after this pandemic is over to talk about it.

This blog has now gone pro! My mind has been racing about all the pictures I can now upload on S.a and here, but for starters, please have this feeling-artsy breakfast picture I took last year during my trip in La Union, Philippines:

Catch you all again on Friday!

15/100

PS: Thank you for all those who sent me a message (or mention) in response to the previous post! I really do appreciate it :)

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I'm currently doing a challenge called “100 Days to Offload” – you can join in the fun too by visiting https://100daystooffload.com

If you'd like, drop me a message here – I would be absolutely thrilled to hear from you!

#100DaysToOffload #Journal #PrattlePost

The past two days had me feeling a bit under the weather, as is customary of me every month, and I don't expect the next few days to be any better – the only glimmer of hope I have is that my workload is getting lighter, so I still feel productive while nursing a headache. Might be another prattle post – OH that actually sounds good – but I've had a lot of time to mull a few things over.

From my last post, I said that I decided to do some digital decluttering, and believe it or not, it's still underway. Some websites I've made an account with, like VRV, Viki or Barnes & Noble, didn't have the usual “Delete Account” option, and instead I had to go write them an email to delete my account. I find this absolutely puzzling because either I've been spoiled with the choice of deleting it by myself conveniently and without any other human interaction, or because I don't understand the rationale behind them not having that option in the first place. Shouldn't I be free to withdraw from these services as I please and just slink away to internet-oblivion? Barnes & Noble has a more complicated process to it as well – I had to verify not just my password but a whole lot of other information.

Weird.

But besides that, everything else has been smooth sailing. A few weeks ago I also toyed with the idea of migrating to FastMail and, after a few days with it I think I'll actually push through. My personal biggest hindrance is that email isn't as popular, and yet still necessary. Let me clarify – it's not popular for personal interactions with friends you already have (they're all reachable via Messenger or just a text away), but I would still need to have one for online transactions or other personal related documents and notifications. I have a work email that I rely on heavily for communication with supervisors and clients, but that's a separate thing. I did send my Aunts and Uncles (the usual crowd who still does send me emails from time to time) my new one – just to notify them of the upcoming change.

Which brings me to say, I can't exactly De-Google 100%. Aside from the usual perpetrators (Youtube, mostly), I own a really cute, baby pink Pixel 3XL. Before all this, it has always been my dream phone for such a long time and I scraped up all my hard-earned money to buy it when it went on sale! I was absolutely happy when I got it, and I'm still using it now. I live with my family, and we've set up coordinating most things with a few Google apps, which I can't change. Have you ever tried to explain new technology to older parents? It is a nightmare. I've learned through the years that, at least in my parent's case, familiarity is everything. They don't understand the “concept” of most things on the screen, and rely heavily on the distinct and specific steps and images that they've seen repeatedly – around 100++ times. For example, my dad knows how to use Spotify since he's used it before, but if we transition to YouTube Music, although with the same concept and buttons, he'd have a hard time. Okay, that was a bad example, but I hope it illustrated my point. Bottom line – they are not tech folk, and if I wanted to live a life of peace, we would have to stick with what they already know.

To be honest, I both love/hate how I dabble into things like these, just because no one in my immediate circle understands or is into it. The same goes for my interest in eco-minimalism (which thankfully my cousin can relate too), and books. The most common thing I have with my friends is cooking and games – I should probably write something about those next time!

A few more things:

• Just a few hours ago, I watched the season two premiere of 100 Days, Drinks, Dishes, and Destinations and here I am wondering, why have I never heard of this show before? This is totally up my alley!

• Favorite Banana Bread Recipe! But I make them into muffins instead.

I should totally stop eating.

10/100

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I'm currently doing a challenge called “100 Days to Offload” – you can join in the fun too by visiting https://100daystooffload.com

If you'd like, drop me a message here – I would be absolutely thrilled to hear from you!

#100DaysToOffload #Journal #PrattlePost