Earlier this morning I had already written down at least half a decent post's worth of my opinion about the term “Filipinx” – on how, as a former Mainland-er, I doubt I'll ever understand the real essence of it, but at the same time find it surprisingly relatable in terms of holding on to a personal cultural identity and narrative I can hold on to while I no longer have my feet planted firmly on my hometown.

I had all these ideas built up, stopped to take a quick break and to work on actual work-work, and then when I came back to my draft, read it once and deleted it. Poof. Gone.

Folks, that is my problem. I wish I could come clean and tell you exactly how many times I've done this, but it's happened so many times that I've lost the exact count. I start this whole rant and inner monologue about an opinion I have but I start to get cold feet and, ultimately, erase every single word into oblivion. I fear that my opinion in the matter is not valid. That I have no additional point to make, so maybe I should keep my mouth and thoughts shut. Sometimes I fear that my opinion is flimsy, and if called out (or worse, cancelled), I won't be able to recover. I know full well that W.a is probably the safest space my thoughts and opinions could ever be in, and discourse does happen in a better, more constructive way, but I still live with that fear.

I'm no coward, but I know my emotions are fragile. Heck, people forget that people are humans once they start hiding in anonymity and in numbers, hurling one destructive comment after the other. I don't have a lot of faith in how most people use the internet, and most of the time I have chosen to lurk rather than to actively participate because of that exact reason. But this is the internet – anything I put out here is “receipts”, and modern-day society has developed sleuthing skills that could land them a career in the FBI.

I guess another thing for me to overcome in my writing journey? Sounds about right.

#Journal #PrattlePost

In the same vein as people who occasionally say “I have so many clothes in my closet, but I've got nothing to wear”, I have fallen into the pits of boredom yet I have so many sources to draw entertainment from.

To illustrate, I've amassed the following over a lifetime:

• 71 games on Steam most of which I bought off from sales and have never touched, downloaded, opened, etc.
• 2 gaming consoles; a Nintendo Switch solely for the purpose of playing ACNH and a modded GBA with 3 game cartridges
• 5 cookbooks
• 29 Mousebooks, 95% of which have never been cracked open from their plastic casing
• 40 books in my Filipino Book collection, which I admittedly hoarded on the last trip home
• 16 books I've bought from second-hand bookstores
• 2 library loans (one physical book and another an audiobook)
• 100+ articles saved on Pocket
• 162 Watch Later videos on Youtube

This is probably just a partial list of things that I can potentially do, yet most of the time I've just been sitting on my bed, listlessly scrolling through my phone. Now that I've actually written it all out, I feel both horrendous and disgusted with myself – all this self-talk of “owning less” and being “purposeful” is hypocritical if I own so many but not derive any pleasure and enjoyment from them.

What mindset or framework should I be looking at this current train of thought? The simple answer to my dilemma is to go through the list, but it's weird to admit that I have no motivation to do any of them. No desire to pick up a book. No inclination to cook. The fact that I'm writing this is the only indication that the embers inside my mind have been somewhat stoked, but just ever so slightly – it isn't enough for me to finish anything that I try to start.

It's a weird and petty dilemma for sure, one that I'll probably ponder on a few more days before finding something to occupy my mind again. I've never thought of myself as this person until now. Does it mean that I'm changing as a person and that the old things no longer hold my interest? Is there something else I'd rather occupy my time with? I might not know the answer now, but I'd love to understand where this feeling is stemming from, and how I can fix it for the better.

...

It hasn't escaped me that this is going to be my 25th post (not day) in the #100DaysToOffload and oh wow, I'm actually amazed that I've made it to this point! If I had followed instructions, this would have been Day 55, but as it is, life tends to just take its course and make a beautiful mess with personal plans.

I have been seriously considering it but I've made my decision and at this point going forward, I'll be dropping the challenge hashtag. No, I'm not going anywhere, of course, and I'll continue writing, but I just feel like the frequency of which I post is no longer motivated by the challenge itself, but more of an intrinsic need to write what I feel. It has always been the main goal of this space, and initially, I jumped on the challenge to jumpstart me back to the right path of writing. Right now, I just find it silly of me to be saying “post” instead of “day”, and this is the only way I can reconcile it in my head.

But I am absolutely thankful. Because W.a is set-up the way that it is, I have no clue if anyone is regularly reading this, but I've gotten the occasional message on my fnContact and that has truthfully warmed my heart. I've learned so much from reading other people's musings as well – so much so that I've been influenced to make changes with the way I interact with the internet. The pinnacle of my learning would be embodied in the fact that I now have Mastodon and use it! You guys are great – it is exactly the internet that I want to be in.

I'll still keep on reading and writing, and this is definitely not a goodbye. You guys know where to find me (if not, check out my About Me – it's all there), and I'll always keep an eye out on everyone else who joins the challenge.

Signing off now. See you guys on the next (highly irregular) post!

25/100

#100DaysToOffload #Journal #PrattlePost #EndOfSeries

I'm slowly getting back in the groove of things after feeling emotionally and physically drained. I'll be the first to admit that there are just periods of time that my emotional capacity drops to a level where it's enough for the day. Just my luck that at the same time, I had my last two wisdom teeth removed, so it everything was unbearably horrible and disgusting for a while. I'm just glad that's over!

Just wanted to quickly check-in, mostly for myself, to write down all the positive things that has happened while I felt like I was out:

No Shampoo I took a quick little break and washed my hair once with commercial shampoo, but besides that one time, I've grown comfortable with water washing! I still have yet to see the effects of it in terms of helping to lessen my falling hair, but I'm starting to like how I'm able to manage my greasiness (and accompanying dandruff eww) better because of it.

Finished reading my first book of 2020! I discovered the magic of audiobooks. How did I snub them before? They are AMAZING. I've been struggling to read books for a while now, and I still for the life of me can't figure out why, but I felt super accomplished when I finally finished listening to The 7 ½ Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle – it was pretty interesting! I'm still looking for a new audiobook to listen to, so it might take some time before I get to update my Goodreads account.

News I finally succumbed to paying for a sub for the SF Chronicle – partly because I was tired of the paywall, and partly because I didn't want my parents to be getting their news solely on Facebook and Youtube alone. So to practice what I preached to them, I've been reading a lot of diverse news pieces lately (also loving the “Read to Me” aspect of The Guardian) and that has kept me busy in the mornings.

Health Stuff Maybe it's because of my falling hair, but I've also been doing a lot of healthy changes lately. I'm trying to sleep earlier, eating breakfast, eating more greens, drinking my vitamins, etc. Of course, it's not going to immediately show, but at least I feel just a tiny bit healthy!

Cutting my Hair In today's newest achievement, I cut my own hair and it turned out passable!

There's a lot of things I'd still like to write about, but those have been the positive highlights from the past few weeks. Welcome to the weekend!

24/100

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I'm currently doing a challenge called “100 Days to Offload” – you can join in the fun too by visiting https://100daystooffload.com

If you'd like, drop me a message here or on Mastodon (@elisha@sfba.social) – I would be absolutely thrilled to hear from you!

#100DaysToOffload #Journal #PrattlePost

I live with my parents.

That's something I'm not too ashamed to admit, even if I am in my late 20's. I've only been in the country for three years now, no established career unlike the rest of my age group, living in a city like SF. I didn't grab myself a boyfriend to cohabitate with either, although I've heard from a friend in the same situation as I am that that's apparently a trend. I have all the right reasons to be where I am.

The thing is, I grew up with the very Filipino notion that I'll be staying in my parent's house until I either 1) work in a different city or country or 2) I marry and get whisked away to either my husband's household or a house of my own. I've never questioned this idea – in fact, at some point in my teens, I was taking this as reality. My older cousins had followed the same template and my college friends seemed to understand that this was the rule that would govern their lives too.