It's 10:30 in the evening and I am bursting with so many thoughts and feelings with no one to talk to and so I've taken it upon myself to open write.as and give writing another go to dump my stream of consciousness in – in hopes that I can sleep tonight.
I've just come back from a dream, but now that I'm back to reality, I know I have to work extra harder to make that dream come true. Planning a bigger wedding is hard. Living separately from your significant other is equally challenging. I look at my peers who are in the same position I am who are enjoying the process, while I'm stuck on hard, speed-run mode because of the circumstances that neither I nor my partner could have ever anticipated (or did we?). Occasionally I question a few decisions I've made in the past couple of months and mull over whether or not I did the right or the wrong thing. I remind myself to look forward each and every time but I have so much anxiety bottled in me that sometimes I feel so stuck.
I also fear for the future. Things are about to change, yet again, and the cautious side of me always hesitates. I am obviously a creature of comfort and habit, as majority of people are, and I can't fault myself for being hesitant to change anything. But I am trying. In my own little way, I am. It may not be on anyone's timelines, but I am doing it in my own time. I want to be excited and enthusiastic about all these changes, but right now I'm a step below.
But with all that said, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that things will be alright, and that it will work out that way it was all meant to be played out. Once again, the old faithful saying of “if it is meant to be yours, then it will be” has taken the driver's seat in my mind. If it was meant for me, then it will.